Whossey: Season 2
by Danny.and.Ryan
Summary: He's Whossey, not House, and he's back for an all new season.  This year he and Useless Team are breaking all the rules.  How will the FDA react? Well, they won't. They don't seem to care. Warnings: Spoof, slight racism, slight sexism, lots of sickness.
1. Episode 1:  It's never Lupus

Disclaimer: We are not Whossey. Everything Whossey says and does doesn't reflect the authors' opinions. We don't own House either. 

**Author's Note: Hello! Danny and I are back! And so is Whossey! I decided to write a 'back to school' episode to celebrate going back to school.**

Whossey

"It's never Lupus"

Whossey stands by the easel by his desk. He lifts his brush out of the black paint, and draws a giant **X** on the canvas. Just as he's about to stand back and admire his art, Hooker Boss storms into the room.

Hooker Boss: "Oh, my God, Whossey! Did you see the news this mooring?!"

Whossey picks up his painting and carries it to Hooker Boss. She looks down at it in awe.

Whossey: "The bright yellow circle in the middle represents innocence, and the sun. The **X** over it represents pollution, and the loss of innocence. The pollution is blocking out the sun, and the world is losing it's innocence…"

Hooker Boss: "That's…so deep, Whossey…It's beautiful…"

She takes out a tissue and dries her tear-filled eyes.

Whossey: "It's not just beautiful, it's a freaking masterpiece. Rafael couldn't paint like this on a good day. I'm a painting God. You should be bowing down to me and my talent…Now, what did you so rudely barge into my office to say to me?"

Hooker Boss: "Oh, Whossey! It's so terrible! I saw on the news that there's a high school in town, where every day some kid dies! I think we should all go down there and investigate!"

Whossey: "Great idea! The interns and medical students can run this place while we're gone! Let's go!"

At the school

Whossey: "Cameranne, come on…will you just park already!"

Useless Team is piled into Cameranne's car, she's driving around the parking lot looking for a spot.

Cameranne: "If you don't like the why I drive, you should have taken your own car!"

Whossey: "Yeah right. Like I would ever let any of you in my expensive car. Especially Blackman."

Cameranne finally parks.

Whossey: "It's about freaking time! God! I shouldn't have expected any more from a woman driver."

Aussie: "Oy! Leave her alone, mate!"

Cameranne: "I can defend myself! Leave me alone, Aussie! I will never love you!"

Inside the school

Hooker Boss: "Alright, Useless Team, I don't think we should talk to the principal first. Just in case some illegal things are going on and the kids don't want to get in trouble. I think we should all go undercover."

Aussie: "That will never work!"

Blackman: "Whossey, what do _you_ think we should do?"

Whossey: "Well, any person with an IQ over 70, mine is more than twice that by the way, knows that we should go undercover to see if the kids are dying from drugs or something, and don't want to get caught using."

Aussie: "Genius!"

Blackman: "This is all stupid if you ask me."

Whossey: "Well no one asked you! Now, let's go into the hallway and think of a plan. And none of you can enter through the doors before me! Just because I'm cursed with a bad leg doesn't mean I have to be behind everyone! I am the leader here, and I demand that you keep _my_ pace!"

In the hallway

Whossey: "All right, it's lunch time. Let's go to the cafeteria and ask some students personal and irrelevant questions. But first I think that we should all brainstorm some possible reasons for their deaths. And when I say 'we', I mean 'I'. I'm the only one who could brainstorm anything anyway. I'm the only one here with a brain."

Cameranne: "Alright, and I'll write ideas down on the white boa—"

Cameranne frantically looks for a white board in the hall, sees that there is none, and starts crying.

Cameranne: "Oh, God! There's no white board here! My life has no purpose! What am I to the Useless Team without dry erase board markers in my hand??"

Whossey: "You're the slut. Now shut up! Let me think…"

Hooker Boss: "Drugs?"

Blackman: "Suicide?"

Aussie: "Carbon monoxide leaks?"

Cameranne: "Brain tumors?"

Hooker Boss: "Maybe it's Lupus."

Whossey: "Oh, my God!" It is _never_ Lupus! Stop asking if it's Lupus! You all say that every freaking episode, I mean day, and it is never ever Lupus! God! You're so stupid!"

Hooker Boss and Cameranne cry together.

In the cafeteria

Whossey sees a teenage guy and sits down with him.

Whossey: "You hear about the dead kid?"

Teenage guy starts to cry.

Whossey: "Oh, don't be such a girl. Just tell me how they died. Was it drugs? It was drugs wasn't it? What kind of drugs? Heroin? Crack? Speed? It was Speed wasn't it?"

Teenage guy: "He was my best friend! Cry He never did drugs! None of them did!"

Whossey: "…So, you don't have any Speed on you then? I was…you know, just wondering of course…Drugs are bad! Except for Vikadin. And Morphine. And occasionally Pot…Stay in school!"

Whossey leaves table and calls Useless Team into the hallway.

Whossey: "Alright, Useless Team. There's something going on here…something the kids are hiding. It's probably drugs. Even though the kid I spoke to denied it. But all teenagers do drugs! _All_ of them!"

Cameranne: "I never did any."

Whossey: "No, you just slept with everyone."

Aussie: "Hey! Leave her alone!"

Cameranne: "Oh, my God, Aussie! _You_ leave me alone! I will _never_ love you!"

Blackman: "Moving on!"

Hooker Boss: "All the students I talked to showed signs of Lupus…"

Whossey: "It's **never **Lupus!"

Aussie: "All the students I talked to also showed symptoms. Fatigue, headaches, fever, hair loss…"

Hooker Boss: "Joint and muscle pain, skin rashes, sensitivity to light…"

Cameranne: "Inflammation of the pecicarditis, depression, swollen glands…"

Blackman: "Inflammation of blood vessels in the skin, a change in weight…"

Hooker Boss: "I think they _all_ have Lupus…"

Whossey: "No! None of them do! No one ever gets Lupus! It's never Lupus!"

Suddenly, the principal and three security guards walk over to where Useless Team is standing in the hallway.

Principal: "Excuse me, do any of you have a visitor pass? We've had complaints that there were strangers walking around our school, and that's illegal. These security guards are going to have to escort you out of here."

Whossey: "We're investigating the 'mysterious' deaths of your students! Do you know why your students are dying?? Are you in on it?? Are you their drug dealer??"

Principal: "I'm the principal here at 'Lupus Patient High School'. We're a school where unfortunate teenagers with Lupus can come and go to high school like normal kids. I'm aware that the students are dying, and we're very sad. Sometimes Lupus treatments don't work and kids pass away."

Whossey: "…but no one ever has Lupus…"

Principal: "_Everyone_ here has Lupus. Now get the hell off the grounds or I'll call the police."

Useless Team leaves, everyone is sad and depressed, except of course our very macho Whossey, who is too good for tears. They get into Cameranne's car and start driving back to the hospital.

Hooker Boss: "…That's just so sad. I feel so bad for all those kids…"

Cameranne: "But at least they go to school like normal teenagers…"

Blackman: "I just don't understand why God would do such a thing like that to all those innocent kids…Is there even a God?"

Aussie: "I don't know, Blackman…I don't know. How could he just let them all die? It really makes me appreciate my life more…"

Whossey points out the window.

Whossey: "Oh! A Wendy's!"

End 

**Author's Note 2: Do you have any things you want to be in Whossey? Something you want Whossey to do? (Let's keep it something we could actually have him do. We want no, 'Whossey fights a kangaroo' messages). Is there an episode you want us to parody? Sometimes these things don't come to us right away, and that's why it will take a while to update sometimes. So if you want us to write something, just tell us. Otherwise you can just wait for our brilliant minds to think of something.**

**One episode waits to be typed, and I have another that just needs writing down. So updating should be soon!**

**Thanks,**

**Ryan**


	2. Episode 2:  The lost episode

Whossey

"The lost episode"

Blackman slides a patient into a MRI machine. Cameranne stands back and looks and the monitor.

Cameranne: "So, what are we supposed to be looking for exactly?"

Blackman: "Anything unusual."

Patient: "Yeah…I don't understand why I'm in here either…I broke my wrist…"

Blackman: "Shhh…not talking in the MRI machine. …I need to know _why_ it broke…"

Patient: "I fell down on my driveway…there was ice…I didn't hit my head…"

Blackman: "I said no talking! But _why_ did the bone break? There must be something wrong with your brain."

Cameranne: "Actually Blackman…I think this is pretty unnecessary."

Blackman: "But we always so unnecessary MRI scans, why stop now?"

Patient: "Well, I'm—"

Blackman: "I said shut the hell up!"

Cameranne stares at Blackman in horror.

In Whossey's office 

Whossey: "Useless Team, I have a case I want you to solve for me."

Aussie takes the chart from Whossey.

Aussie: "What are the symptoms?"

Blackman: "Who cares what the symptoms are?"

Hooker Boss: "Well, we need to fink a cure, Blackman…"

Blackman: "I'm just saying, he's going to die anyway. Why not sooner rather than later?"

Whossey jumps up and runs over to Blackman.

Whossey: "Yeah! That's my way of thinking! High five!"

He holds his hand up. Blackman glares at him.

Whossey: "Fine. Leave me hanging. That's cool. You might break a nail anyway."

Blackman gets up and walks out of the office.

Blackman: "I'm going on break."

Hooker Boss frowns.

Aussie: "What's wrong with him?"

Cameranne: "He's acting a lot like—"

Hooker Boss/Aussie/Cameranne: "Whossey."

Whossey: "Oh, my God. I have my own follower. How awesome is that?"

Later, in Blackman's house 

Blackman stares at his bathroom mirror.

Blackman: "I'm not Whossey…I'm not Whossey…I love helping people, and I have friends, and I'm not a complete a-hole…"

Blackman's phone rings. He picks it up. Hooker Boss is on the other line.

Hooker Boss: "Blackman? What are you doing home? We need you at work."

Blackman: "I don't know what's wrong with me! I'm turning into Whossey!"

Hooker Boss: "No you're not, Blackman. You just need a vacation…"

Blackman: "No, I'm _becoming_ Whossey."

Hooker Boss: "You're really not. Now please get back to the hospital. WE have like, eight people here that need MRI scans."

Blackman: "No! I just can't take it anymore! I quit!"

Blackman hangs up the phone very angrily.

In Whossey's office 

Hooker Boss: "Whossey! Blackman just quit!"

Whossey: "Ok."

Hooker Boss: "Ok?? What are we going to do??"

Whossey: "Well, I guess we'll have to get another black doctor."

Cameranne and Aussie run into the room.

Aussie: "We just heard Blackman quit! What are we going to do?"

Whossey: "I really don't care. We can hire someone else…"

Cameranne: "No! We can't! We must make this a _really_ big deal!"

Suddenly, Blackman comes into the office.

Cameranne: "Blackman! You're back!"

Blackman: "No, I'm still quitting."

Hooker Boss: "Then why are you here?"

Blackman: "…To tell you that I'm quitting. I just can't be like Whossey."

Blackman sighs.

Whossey: "Ok, that's great. You can leave now."

Blackman: "Umm…ok, let me go tell everyone else here that I'm quitting first…"

Blackman leaves and starts walking around the hospital.

Aussie: "He's really quitting…"

Whossey: "Yep, guess so. By the way, you're fired."

Aussie: "What??"

Whossey: "Yeah, you're fired. I don't like your hair today."

Cameranne: "If you're going to fire Aussie, then I quit!"

Whossey: "What? Why?"

Cameranne: "Because! I love Aussie! I can't be away from him! If he's leaving, then I'm leaving!"

Aussie: "Yes! I knew you would give in eventually! I love you, too, Cameranne!"

They run into each other's arms.

Whossey: "That's great. You can both leave now."

They leave.

Hooker Boss: "Whossey, you are so screwed! You don't have a team! What are you going to do?"

Whossey: "I dunno. Go get lunch?"

End.


	3. Episode 3:  The solo album

This is for mandez.the.pandez.

Also, vgirl4, we'll get to your episodes!

**Whossey**

"**The Solo Album"**

Whossey stands in his office with a white board and an amp behind him. He strums a few chords

Hooker Boss enters the room; Whossey shreds on his guitar.

Hooker Boss: Aches, pains, and a fever. Not to mention a medley of broken bones, etc.

Whossey: What is it about me that makes people want to scream unrelated medical jargon at me?

Hooker Boss: Whossey, you've been stagnant for two weeks. It's time for some work.

Whossey continues to loudly play his guitar.

Hooker Boss throws the patient chart at him and leaves in a huff.

Whossey stands alone for a moment.

Whossey: Why does everything I whip leave me?

**In Patient Room**

Whossey: So, let me get this straight: she was crushed by a building, and you're wondering what's wrong with her?

Hooker Boss: It still doesn't explain the fever, Whossey.

Whossey: We can't even explain why that building fell down! You're asking me to explain the minor details of alien intrusion!

Ricky: Look, just tell me she's gonna be ok..!

Whossey: Whatever. She'll be fi—wait, who are you?

Patient Mom: Oh, Kate! My poor child!

Whossey: Where are they all coming from?! Away, alien invader!

**In Whossey's Office**

Whossey walks in the door, and plugs the amp in, and reaches for his guitar. His hand misses; he looks down to find it missing.

**In Wilson's Office**

Whossey: Wilson!

Wilson: Ah, Whossey! How are you?

Whossey: My guitar! What did you do with it?!

Wilson: Guitar? What's that?

Whossey: If I don't get her back right now, I'm going to let my patient die!

Wilson: You'd end up doing that anyway; unless, of course, you had a team.

Whossey: I'll kill you.

Wilson: And here are the resumes.

**Whossey's Office**

Whossey sits staring at the resumes.

Hooker Boss: Whossey! The patient's having heart palp—ooh! Never mind! I see you're finally hiring a team!

Whossey: No. You see that there are a couple papers that I'm never going to touch on my desk.

Hooker Boss: Sigh. Then why don't you go do the obligatory MRI?

Whossey: What?! I'm not going to sully my hands on that machine! That's…

Hooker Boss: Your team's job?

Whossey: … No. It's your job.

Hooker Boss: I'm not gong to enable you, Whossey.

Whossey sits down and begins to set up solitaire. Hooker Boss watches for a moment before letting out an enraged howl and sprinting to the MRI room.

Whossey sits and looks at the cards briefly before flipping over the whiteboard and beginning to pace and talk furiously to himself.

Whossey: No, not that. Maybe crush syndrome..?

Voice: Maybe it's lupus…

Whossey looks up to see the janitor in the doorway.

Whossey: Get out of my office. No! Get out of my hospital! You're fired!

Janitor: What? Only Ms. Hooker Boss can fire me…

Whossey: Yeah? Well I just bullied her into doing my job for me, so now I'm doing hers. Get out!

**Later**

Whossey: I think I've got an explanation for the fever.

All: What?

Whossey: She's on anti-depressants!

There's silence. Then, the mother and Ricky begin sobbing.

Whossey: I just saved that woman's life! How dare you cry!

Ricky: How? How could she not tell me? We were in love!

Whossey: I wouldn't have told you either if I'd known you'd do this…

Patient's Mom: Woe is my poor child! How could she?! LIAR! LIAR!

Whossey: I'll just go now…

**Later on**

Hooker Boss stands in the Observation Room watching Kate's surgery. When was that scheduled, anyway? Whossey walks in.

Hooker Boss: What are you doing here?

Whossey: Uh, that's my patient…

Hooker Boss: You're here to try to get me to enable you, huh??

Whossey: Actually, I'm just here to watch her—

Hooker Boss: _Liar! I won't be your enabler! Team! Where's your team??_

Whossey makes a quick exit down to the surgical table.

Whossey: Aliens! They're all under the control of aliens…

Surgeon: Hey! You can't be in here!

Whossey: Jesus Christ. I am her _doctor_!

Surgeon: Security!

Whossey: Look, I just saw her uterus was a little enlarged on the screen. So I just—

Security: Fiend! Get out of here! We will not enable you!

Whossey: What the hell are you talking about?! I'm the one who always figures it out anyway!

**Later, after Whossey had been moved to the Patient's room**.

Whossey: She had an abortion, and it looks like she was on the Pill, too.

Patient's Mom goes into shock.

Ricky: Liar! She loves me! We wanted kids!

Whossey: Well, the blood-test says—

Ricky shrieks and begins to stomp his feet and roll on the floor.

Ricky: She would never! The blood-tests aren't hers! She would never!

Whossey: Aren't hers.

Whossey leaves the room. Ricky continues to squeal and roll.

**The next day**

Hooker Boss, Ricky, and Patient's mom are all gathered in Kate's room. Whossey strolls in, beaming.

Whossey: Hello! Good morning, all! Isn't it a simply beautiful day?

They all stare at him.

Hooker Boss: What?

Whossey: I've got this whole case figured out.

He smiles and waits.

Ricky: Well, what's wrong with Kate?

Whossey: Nothing.

Ricky: What? Are you even looking at her?!

Whossey: How could I? She's not even in the room.

They all stare. Whossey holds up a chart.

Whossey: Ali Moss: on the Pill, had an abortion.

Ricky: I… I don't understand.

Whossey: This isn't your girlfriend.

Patient's Mom: What?! Impossible! I _know_ my daughter. Even if she is covered in bandages.

Whossey injects the patient with a stimulant to wake her up.

Whossey: Alright, girl, what's your name?

She takes a second, and then says

Patient: Ali…

Ricky drops to his knees.

Ricky: Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!

**Later**

Whossey has finally escaped the clutches of the mourning, and is on his way over to Wilson's house to break in and steal his valuables back.

Voice: Hey! Whossey! Where you headed?

Whossey turns around to see Wilson in the window, waving his guitar at him.

Just as Whossey prepares to burst into a blind rage, there's a strange rumbling sound. The ground begins to shake, and Whossey watches as his own hospital crashes to the ground, becoming a large heap of rubble.

Whossey looks on for a minute, stunned. Then, Wilson's face floods his mind, and he realizes that the only thing that every mattered to him in his life is now gone.

Whossey: Wilson, dammit, my guitar!

**End**

**Author's note:** Well, there you go, Mandez. This episode was very plot filled.


End file.
